Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
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Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
adding to the discourse
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT