There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
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Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”