There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
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Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
time machine? you mean a clock?
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Smooooooth
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Dune (2021)
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.