There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
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*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE