One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
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Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Overheard in a restaurant. Grandma: “Oh, I could really go for a Quickie right about now!” Grandpa: “It’s pronounced a Quiche, dear!”
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
“What’s your band name?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly