There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
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You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing