There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

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Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.


Everytime you pull the trigger a bullet loses its job…HAHAHAHA!

Because it gets FIRED. HAHAHA! *I’m in tears*


This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan


I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.


I tried playing hide-n-seek with my friends newborn and now I’m not allowed back inside that hospital 🙁


“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…


Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.


Funny how shampoo bottles weigh like, 2 pounds in real life, but when dropped in the shower they turn into a meteor.