There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
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I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
philosophical skeletons be like
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree