There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

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When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.


Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet


Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?


The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.


Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.


Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.


Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times

Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic


Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep


Coworker: I couldn’t sleep. Just thinking all night

Me: Maybe try doing some of that here in the office during the day


I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.