@1Happytwit

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

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@GayAtHomeDad

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

@Bownuggets

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

@TheBoydP

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

@Vice_Queen

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

@ObscureGent

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

@WetMascara

Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.

@dubstep4dads

Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times

Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic

@RidiculousSheri

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

@Mr_Kapowski

Coworker: I couldn’t sleep. Just thinking all night

Me: Maybe try doing some of that here in the office during the day

@BatBatshitcrazy

I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.