“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
You Might Also Like
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Was it something I said?
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?