Cantaloupe… or Wontaloupe?
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
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Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?
Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.