@JimmerThatisAll

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

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@adamgreattweet

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

@MissHavisham

Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.

@vangobot

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

@femaleredhead

god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes

me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then

god: LOL wow, you are funny

@ElgatoEsmio

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

@GrantTanaka

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

@Shade510

* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.

Dentist:

@Togsbabble

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.