Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

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*Watches sad movie*

Wife: I like happy endings.

Me: me too, but you have to tip more.


Me: twitter would have liked it.


Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer


Note to self: If using the sheet from my bed to be a ghost next Halloween, avoid parties with blacklights at all costs


My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.


“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted


I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.


Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’