Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

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Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.


My brother goes to “Peninsula High.” When the class of 2015 got senior shirts made, no one decided to regulate them.


– I’m here to register for the pessimists’ club.
– Is the glass half empty or half full?
– What glass?
– Gentlemen, we have a new leader!


I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.


First date
Her: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who are trying to call us?


Hey people that knock on locked restroom doors, what are you expecting?

“hey I’m taking a shit but come on in and join me”


Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.


The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.


Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?