[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
You Might Also Like
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is