There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
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in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Oh. My. God.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?