There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
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What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND