I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
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Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Mermaids who never get married eventually accumulate a bunch of catfish.
Just found some clothes my ex left here.
Perfect timing since I’m out of toilet paper.
I seriously can’t stop laughing 😂😂
My 6yo daughter’s teacher just gave me a “Most Improved Ponytail” award.
Hell hath no fury like a white woman emailing Target after a bad shopping experience.
Friend: Have you tried doing things in a normal, correct way?
Me: No, that is not how I choose to live my life
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.