@abhorrent_wife

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

- @abhorrent_wife

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@Ristolable

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

@QwertyJones3

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

@iwearaonesie

“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate

@donni

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

@FloodyHippie

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

@AaronChewning

*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”

@_squiggz

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

@briangaar

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

@Pundamentalism

The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.