@abhorrent_wife

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

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@legendofchelda

I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days

@Playing_Dad

Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?

@JRehling

Mermaids who never get married eventually accumulate a bunch of catfish.

@MouthOfSass

Just found some clothes my ex left here.
Perfect timing since I’m out of toilet paper.

@The_JRM

My 6yo daughter’s teacher just gave me a “Most Improved Ponytail” award.

@TheMichaelRock

Hell hath no fury like a white woman emailing Target after a bad shopping experience.

@_mindflakes

Friend: Have you tried doing things in a normal, correct way?
Me: No, that is not how I choose to live my life

@shadygrenade

Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.

@BlondAmbitionTO

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.