There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
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bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
…..pretty much.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.