@Ristolable For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
@abhorrent_wife There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
- @abhorrent_wife
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@Ristolable 
@QwertyJones3 Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
@iwearaonesie “Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
@donni If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
@FloodyHippie You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
@AaronChewning *overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
@_squiggz can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
@briangaar If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
@CantWaitToNap Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
@Pundamentalism The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.