There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
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[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.