There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
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“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I self medicate, therefore you live.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too