Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra

Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years

Me: I was at the karaoke bar

Cop: Oh I see lol

Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it

I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.

“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”

The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.

ME: “Want.”

DRACULA: Vant.

ME: Wan—it’s a W.

DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

…..pretty much.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘arrogance’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can, don’t be stupid

Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.