There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
You Might Also Like
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.