there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
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Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Netflix: We have Less
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.