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Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog


Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many


Me Pre-Kids: I’m never gonna lie to my kids ever.

Me with Kids: I just got off the phone with Santa, the firefighter dog from Paw Patrol, and the Green Power Ranger, and they all agree, if you don’t put your shoes on, they’re gonna have to put down another unicorn.


Guy 1: fight me

Guy 2: ok… but… one thing

Guy 1: what?

Guy 2: well… it might sound weird but… well is it ok if we get a few thousand drunk people to watch?

Invention of wrestling


My wife hates the way I introduce her to people in public.

“THIS is my wife..”

*looks down at the ground


*kicks can


Odin is a king, Thor got his gender switched to a woman, Disney owns Marvel. So Thor is….A DISNEY PRINCESS KINDA!


ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.


If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.


My biggest regret of 2014?

Probably when my husband watched “The Notebook” with me and then I yelled at him for not building me a house


Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.