If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
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To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”