There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
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Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him