There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
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Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
why isn’t thunder called soundning
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”