There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix

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Her: Do you watch Desperate Housewives?

Me: No but I follow a few on Twitter.


girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!


Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.


There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag


Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”


If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.


dog person: do you like dogs or cats

me: all pets are good 🙂

dog person: dogs or cats?

me: i like them in different ways

dog person: DOGS [holding a knife to my throat] OR CATS?


Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.


At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.