There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix

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We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?


Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”


Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.


“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.


If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….


If you’re an astronaut and you don’t end every relationship by saying “look, I just need space” then you’re wasting everyone’s time.


Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.


DOG: I think that job interview went well!
*looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a


I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”


Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident