There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
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Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Just parrot things
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Facebook memories be like
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy