@CArmanthegirl

There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix

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@thatUPSdude

Her: Do you watch Desperate Housewives?

Me: No but I follow a few on Twitter.

@i_eat_fruit

girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!

@GrillinChillin9

Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.

@delsinsfire

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

@AndyAsAdjective

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

@flindis

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

@Skoog

dog person: do you like dogs or cats

me: all pets are good 🙂

dog person: dogs or cats?

me: i like them in different ways

dog person: DOGS [holding a knife to my throat] OR CATS?

@tonyposnanski

Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.

@AimeeHelene1

At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.