There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

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When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt


If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”


Jesus: Unless you become like children you will not enter heaven

*Gets hit by a water ballon*

Jesus: That’s not what I meant, Paul


If women had to be assembled, a lot of us would probably just play with the box…


Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.


*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air


Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!


July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*


Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong