When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
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I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Jesus: Unless you become like children you will not enter heaven
*Gets hit by a water ballon*
Jesus: That’s not what I meant, Paul
If women had to be assembled, a lot of us would probably just play with the box…
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*
August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong