There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
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When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Me when my alarm goes off
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.