There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
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I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.