There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
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Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
my mind
You just read my mind
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
That’s classic.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.