Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
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if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
emergency phone
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead