[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 馃槓
ME (from beyond): 馃榿
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Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist鈥檚 convention] Don鈥檛 worry about it. I got an idea.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Not saying the service in a caf茅 yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 馃檹
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I鈥檓 pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I鈥檓 having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa鈥檚 馃槈 having a heart attack 馃槈
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn鈥檛 respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Daughter: Mommy, what鈥檚 that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I鈥檓 going in myself.
All generalizations are stupid.
You don鈥檛 know terror until your kids drive and you鈥檙e paying their car insurance.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.