@RandiLawson
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
@stereofiasco
There’s a guy working in the food industry whose sole purpose is to find ways to sneak raisins into shit we like.
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@RandiLawson
@Lai_Bhari
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
@brycetache
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
@Rollmaninoz
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
@kriswasp
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
@dafloydsta
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
@UnFitz
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
@omgthatspunny
@thatdutchperson
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
@rolldiggity
Whenever someone on a plane reclines their seat into you, pull them back even further and whisper in their ear, “Keep going.”