@stereofiasco

There’s a guy working in the food industry whose sole purpose is to find ways to sneak raisins into shit we like.

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@RandiLawson

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

@brycetache

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.

@Rollmaninoz

Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again

@kriswasp

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol

@dafloydsta

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

@UnFitz

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

@thatdutchperson

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

@rolldiggity

Whenever someone on a plane reclines their seat into you, pull them back even further and whisper in their ear, “Keep going.”