There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
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Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
I have a black belt in leather
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️