I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
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Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.