There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
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i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I only treason on days ending in y
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.