There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
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I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School