There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
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Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
crying
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
When does CPR become necrophilia?