There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
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I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.