I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
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*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!