@VestaTot

There’s a little girl’s voice that sings lullabies in my guest room closet but don’t mind her; she died years ago. Here’s your blanket.

You Might Also Like

@HenpeckedHal

Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh

@jordan_stratton

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

@FUN

Why are things sent by car called shipments, and things sent by ships called cargo?

@apollilaire

i order a pizza online and under special requests i write: “tell me the meaning of life”. when the door bell rings there’s only an empty box

@Jennuflect

*wakes up w/phone in hand*
Me:[texting] Sorry I fell asleep on ya last night
*text chime*
Couch: I’m like right here why are you texting me?

@whatmaddness

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

@SteussieErica

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

@SteveSuckington

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”