“Mary had a little lamb. had.” -wolf
There’s a little girl’s voice that sings lullabies in my guest room closet but don’t mind her; she died years ago. Here’s your blanket.
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Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Why are things sent by car called shipments, and things sent by ships called cargo?
i order a pizza online and under special requests i write: “tell me the meaning of life”. when the door bell rings there’s only an empty box
*wakes up w/phone in hand*
Me:[texting] Sorry I fell asleep on ya last night
Couch: I’m like right here why are you texting me?
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”