There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
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Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Chemical wingman
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*