There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
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When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
are they though??
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!