I have the Anne Hathaway “It came true!” reaction whenever the guy at Subway hands me my sandwich.
There’s a man at the mall wearing cargo pants and a fanny pack, who I believe is in the process of becoming a suitcase.
You Might Also Like
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
The county is excusing our kids from school on eclipse day so they don’t accidentally burn their eyes.
I went to school with asbestos…