@JakeNicholas

There’s a man at the mall wearing cargo pants and a fanny pack, who I believe is in the process of becoming a suitcase.

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@juliussharpe

I have the Anne Hathaway “It came true!” reaction whenever the guy at Subway hands me my sandwich.

@Bob_Janke

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]

@Gupton68

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

@PickleRudd

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

@daemonic3

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

@caithuls

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

@Ivsy01

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

@SaltyCorpse

The county is excusing our kids from school on eclipse day so they don’t accidentally burn their eyes.

I went to school with asbestos…