Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
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Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Me buying fruit and veg