There’s a man at the mall wearing cargo pants and a fanny pack, who I believe is in the process of becoming a suitcase.

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I have the Anne Hathaway “It came true!” reaction whenever the guy at Subway hands me my sandwich.


I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]


Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…


Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes


Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*


Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*


honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah


Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.


The county is excusing our kids from school on eclipse day so they don’t accidentally burn their eyes.

I went to school with asbestos…