*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
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Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Amazon Tracking:
1. We鈥檙e not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn鈥檛 sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Went braless for a quick trip to the store鈥an into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
hey 馃檪 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE鈥橰E TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE鈥橲 TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT鈥橲 A BOOMERANG
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what鈥檚 auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c鈥檓ere baby
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
鈥ever criticize your former employer
鈥aintain eye contact
鈥e positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.