@ShortSleeveSuit
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
@ruinedpicnic
There’s a marble statue of Mr. Peanut sculpted by Michaelangelo in the basement of the Sistine Chapel that only the popes know about
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@ShortSleeveSuit
@peachesanscream
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
@JohnLyonTweets
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
@JermHimselfish
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
@PleaseBeGneiss
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
@McGrumpenstein
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
@JediGigi
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
@JohnLyonTweets
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
@3sunzzz
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…