Everybody hates Crocs but the company is worth over $2 billion.
Somebody is lying.
There’s a reaaalllly old tupperware in the back of the fridge, I tried to open it, but then something closed it from the inside.
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Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
[Picking up elderly in-laws at the airport]
WIFE: was renting the hearse absolutely necessary?
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Atheists don’t believe in God or the “i before e except after c” rule of spelling.
I love waking up next to you, I say as I roll over and gently kiss my bag of Doritos
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
911, what’s your emergency?
What do you mean you’ve been stabbed?
People can’t do that, that’s illegal.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’