@mollzbenn

There’s a reaaalllly old tupperware in the back of the fridge, I tried to open it, but then something closed it from the inside.

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@TheHyyyype

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

@LizzieEMB

Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…

*pizza dough plops on head*

@Aspersioncast

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

@NINETIREDBUGS

the moon has NO GENDER and IS MY BEST FRIEND and SAID YOU GUYS HAVE TO BE NICE TO ME OR IT’S CANCELING TIDES FOREVER

@TuSoonShakur

[Arsonist Conference] This year’s award goes to Jim Buford—c’mon up here Jim. Jim, you really razed the bar for all of us.

@TheTweetOfGod

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

@CryMeAG1ver

When the sperm and the egg really love each other, they get a womb.

@imence2

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.