911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
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God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬