There’s a reaaalllly old tupperware in the back of the fridge, I tried to open it, but then something closed it from the inside.

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Everybody hates Crocs but the company is worth over $2 billion.

Somebody is lying.


Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)


[Picking up elderly in-laws at the airport]

WIFE: was renting the hearse absolutely necessary?

ME: renting?


I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.


Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.


Atheists don’t believe in God or the “i before e except after c” rule of spelling.


I love waking up next to you, I say as I roll over and gently kiss my bag of Doritos


So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma


911, what’s your emergency?
What do you mean you’ve been stabbed?
People can’t do that, that’s illegal.


Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’