@mollzbenn

There’s a reaaalllly old tupperware in the back of the fridge, I tried to open it, but then something closed it from the inside.

You Might Also Like

@iamfase

Everybody hates Crocs but the company is worth over $2 billion.

Somebody is lying.

@Ygrene

Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)

@sonictyrant

[Picking up elderly in-laws at the airport]

WIFE: was renting the hearse absolutely necessary?

ME: renting?

@RafflesWord

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

@AmericanGent69

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

@WonderMonkey78

Atheists don’t believe in God or the “i before e except after c” rule of spelling.

@Bluestmoon_

I love waking up next to you, I say as I roll over and gently kiss my bag of Doritos

@DarkerWillow

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

@lamefactory

911, what’s your emergency?
What do you mean you’ve been stabbed?
People can’t do that, that’s illegal.

@SortaBad

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’