@mollzbenn

There’s a reaaalllly old tupperware in the back of the fridge, I tried to open it, but then something closed it from the inside.

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@VerbsRProudest

Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes

Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?

Me: *laughing*

@CulturedRuffian

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

@Shock_Monster

“Hey, let’s get the guys that built the Obamacare website to update our app!”

– Twitter

@stevevsninjas

The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.

@blade_funner

Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.

@AmishPornStar1

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

@kibblesmith

Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family

@mom_tho

sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”