Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
There’s a reaaalllly old tupperware in the back of the fridge, I tried to open it, but then something closed it from the inside.
You Might Also Like
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
the moon has NO GENDER and IS MY BEST FRIEND and SAID YOU GUYS HAVE TO BE NICE TO ME OR IT’S CANCELING TIDES FOREVER
[Arsonist Conference] This year’s award goes to Jim Buford—c’mon up here Jim. Jim, you really razed the bar for all of us.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
When the sperm and the egg really love each other, they get a womb.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.