There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
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It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
fly smarter, not harder
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer