@GrandadJFreeman

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

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@OfHella

Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

@transaParent

I just taped the TV remote to my dogs back so I’ll never lose it again.

Your move Apple.

@Mr_Kapowski

8 year old daughter: I wish I had been born a twin

Me: You were a very hungry fetus-

Wife: Ok that’s enough time with Dad for today

@faisaladam_

If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.

@dorkwing_duck

The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me

@_Awwsomeness_

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

@briancthayer

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

@DaddyJew

relationships are fun if you like being yelled at for facing the wrong direction while you sleep

@Vodkantots

When someone compliments you, look them in the eye and calmly state, “I refuse to accept this.”

Then walk away forever.