Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
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I just taped the TV remote to my dogs back so I’ll never lose it again.
Your move Apple.
8 year old daughter: I wish I had been born a twin
Me: You were a very hungry fetus-
Wife: Ok that’s enough time with Dad for today
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
relationships are fun if you like being yelled at for facing the wrong direction while you sleep
When someone compliments you, look them in the eye and calmly state, “I refuse to accept this.”
Then walk away forever.