There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
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Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
😂😂
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off