There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
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*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
relationship goals
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.