[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
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Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Bam! Problem solved
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Kanye deleted all the slander like we didn’t have an hour to grab screenshots and make power point presentations
My signature move is falling in love with a beautiful girl, then giving her really good advice on how to date someone else.
NPR is reporting terrorists are using twitter.
I call bullshit.
After logging on, most of us aren’t motivated enough to get dressed
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”