[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
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911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.