Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
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Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
I will never stop laughing at this
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
This is the coolest video you will see today.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign