@Snarfernini

There’s a spider in my bathroom. I neither can kill it or capture it, so now it has its very own room in my house to raise its spider family

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@skedaddle74

All the answers you need in life are in that one movie your mom wouldn’t let you watch when you were seven.

@DinkMagic

It would be fun to be on a hockey team on a road trip just be a guy in constant pain who never graduated grade nine in a hotel trying to figure out how to plug your ps4 you packed in a suitcase into the tv

@momtribevibe

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.

@AndLookPretty

My child just added a sneaker to her Christmas list that cost $975. Someone please pray for her homeless soul.

@LinajkReturns

So much mascara her eyes got stuck in the closed position.

Too bad lipstick doesn’t work that way.

@KimmyMonte

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

@AtticusFinch79

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

@HopeUproar

Go to Target for shampoo. End up leaving with a blender, new pajamas, a couch, four kids and a car.

@HaliPhacks

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.

Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.

Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.

@FauxPelini

Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”