There’s a spider in my bathroom. I neither can kill it or capture it, so now it has its very own room in my house to raise its spider family

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All the answers you need in life are in that one movie your mom wouldn’t let you watch when you were seven.


It would be fun to be on a hockey team on a road trip just be a guy in constant pain who never graduated grade nine in a hotel trying to figure out how to plug your ps4 you packed in a suitcase into the tv


My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.


My child just added a sneaker to her Christmas list that cost $975. Someone please pray for her homeless soul.


So much mascara her eyes got stuck in the closed position.

Too bad lipstick doesn’t work that way.


figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives


SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig


Go to Target for shampoo. End up leaving with a blender, new pajamas, a couch, four kids and a car.


Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.

Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.

Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.


Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”