Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
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Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…