There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
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Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Jurassic park gets weird
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
💁🏻♂️
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery