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A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won鈥檛 be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won鈥檛 know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I鈥檓 so proud.
She鈥檚 in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that鈥檚 what you really want.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you鈥檝e been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let鈥檚 do this.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.