@Kamikaze_Blonde

There’s a whale in France that can say hello out of its blowhole and I still can’t manage chrysanthemum on the first try.

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@quintabrunson

Lindor chocolates are amazing and I’m not sure how everyone isn’t talking about them all the time.

P.S please don’t tell me anything bad about them right now, like if the owner is racist or something. let me finish this bag first.

@JPLFR80

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.

@BEEAAARR

Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.

@Skoogeth

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

@sixfootcandy

Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?

@liamantt

Guy on grindr was called farm boy so I messaged saying it’s pasture bedtime and he blocked me

@BlindChow

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

@david8hughes

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

@AmishPornStar1

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?