Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
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Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Introverted vegans go meetless
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.